"I NEVER LOOK BACK, DARLING. IT DISTRACTS FROM THE NOW"

                                                        Edna "E. Mode from THE INCREDIBLES



Yup, it's time to look forward. Most of the hard stuff has already been done, so it's a good feeling to know that from now on each day is going to get better and better.

I had to laugh at a card that my friend (and former Wal-Mart co-worker) Donna Cross sent me. She was trying to think of some way to help me, so she reminded me that several years ago, she had worked as a "very nice" CNA, and if I didn't mind an almost deaf and blind nurse, she's my girl!  Uh . . .  sounds tempting, Donna, but I think I'll pass this time, my dear. Friends Ken and Jess brought me some beautiful cut flowers last night - huge red roses and two big, round hydrangea blooms. I think they unconsciously thought that  the hydrangeas represented  how my chest will eventually look (perhaps a Freudian slip?). Anyway, it was a beautiful bouquet. Little Ma stopped by yesterday and also brought a gorgeous bouquet of flowers from Nina, Zonna, and herself. And if all that wasn't enough my Sandy R. from Georgia sent a neat card and a necklace with a silver breast cancer ribbon and a silver pendant with HOPE engraved on it. I have also heard from a bunch of you guys and thank you for all the encouragement you're sending my way.  Thank you to Cousin Wendy and family. Everyone is making me think that (as the saying goes) I'm "really all that AND a bag of chips!"         ;)))) I am so darn spoiled.

I am able to use my arms better today. I managed to wash my hair and take a bath without slipping and breaking anything. But FYI, its been VERY hard getting out of the recliner chair where I have been sleeping and spending most of my days. So picture this. At one time or another, I think all of us has seen an oldster kicking their feet and trying to scootch their fannies forward to get up from the seat of a recliner. Well, that's me. On the other hand, getting seated is also a challenge. Because my chest and arms are pretty sore and weak, I turn my back to the chair, put my hands out a little behind me - reaching for the chair arms, and shuffle backwards until I feel the chair touching the back of my legs. Then comes the big decision - do I try to ease my way down into a seated position and hope that I can stand the discomfort, or just fall back and risk ripping some stitches ? Either choice comes with the dilemma that I might not land where I am aiming for. My arms hurt too much to try to pull my butt over and center it on the seat if I do land off target, so it is a case of wiggle and squirm until I feel centered. Whatever!

Another little problem that I have been stewing about for three months is finally picking up speed. Hair loss.  I keep a waste can next to my chair, mainly to have a place to toss all the fallen hairs. I'll bet if any of you came to my house today, you would probably think we have a Golden Retriever dog who is having quite a shedding problem. I can sit perfectly still and watch they fall. "Thar She Blows!" or rather "The Hair - She Goes!"

I'm proud to say that my walking has improved. Jenna said that I looked like a penguin, toddling from side to side. That's what happens when you are doped up and trying to keep you balance. I finally figured out why I kept holding my arms out away from my side. When I took my bath today, I saw that the drains are on my sides, right under the armpits and it kinda hurts to hold my arms close to my body. Actually, after seeing all the work that was done, I am amazed at how few scars I will have and what a tidy job it turned out to be. I'm pretty sure that the surgeons glued the incisions together (like they did when they put in the Power Port). I will be getting the final reconstruction done in three months. I'm still not absolutely sure if my oncologist said I would have to have three more sessions of chemo or not. I do know that I won't be having radiation.

NOTE: On a sad note, I saw in the obits that my writing instructor, Carol Ballard, passed away. I had contacted her to have her final-edit some of my children's stories. Very sorry for her family.

Well, tomorrow is going to be a better day, so I look forward to that.

                                                          GOD BLESS YOU ALL

I CAN'T CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF THE WIND, BUT I CAN ADJUST  MY SAILS TO ALWAYS REACH MY DESTINATION.

                                                                                         Jimmy Dean

Well, kids, the surgery part of the process is finally over, and I'm not even going to pretend that I would care to do it over again.

I was a real mess yesterday, but I am starting to move my arms better this afternoon. I am not one for taking pills, but I have had to rely on pain killers so far. In case you haven't heard which type of surgery I chose, I'll tell you now. I went for the double (both breasts) skin-saver mastectomy which keeps the entire outside skin (nipples and all). I was incredibly lucky to keep  the whole exterior package. The majority of women lose their nipples and end up looking like they have breasts like a store mannequin. The loss of a nipple happens when the tumor is too close to it and the surgeon needs to take everything in case there are minute cancer cells hiding in the milk ducts.

I didn't choose  the lumpectomy, because there was way too much danger in not getting all the cancer, and like I said, I wouldn't care to go through this again! The skin-saver type of operation means that ever  having cancer in either breast is now almost non-existant , plus I won't have to have any more mammograms.

It's amazing how much we use our upper-body strength. For quite a  while there, I couldn't get out of the recliner, because it was too painful to brace my arms on the seat of the chair  and  get up. Lon had to take my hands and gently pull me to my feet. If he hadn't been around, I would still be stuck like a bug caught on its back. I have to walk around the house every so often, to get my blood stirring, Otherwise I will get too stiff and then everything will hurt more. I have one of those hand-held breathing thingies, and I work on that a lot, 'cause I don't want to develop pneumonia.

I sure appreciate all the help I got from the hospital, but the real help came from all of you. Your words of encouragement and  the prayers sent my way were the deciding factor in my great outcome. I am so blessed to have the family I do, especially Lon and the kids, and Little Ma

Well, it's time to go. I need Lon to strip my suction tubes and empty the blood that drains out into little plastic bags. EWWWW !!!   Hopefully, I can get rid of the drains in a few days.




                                                                    GOD BLESS YOU ALL

Really quickly, since I'm at work, an update...

Talked to mom this morning - she answered the phone and sounds really good! Less grogginess in her voice today. She said she's doing pretty good, mostly sleeping and taking pain medication. When I asked what her pain was like, she said about a 3 or a 4 with the pain meds. She also said she doesn't think dad has slept much the last three or four days, as he's been so concerned about her and making sure she has her meds and anything she needs. Thanks, pa, for taking such good care of madre!

Grandma made supper for them last night, and I think mom's dad stopped by last night too. Or maybe he called. But I think he stopped by.

Anywho, that's about all I know. I just wanted to share the following with you. If you ever need some words of encouragement for your daughter, or any woman in your life - even yourself, I think this might be the guy's blog to check out. http://www.drkellyflanagan.com/ - wow. This guy is good! I think the letter could have easily been signed "Love, God."

Here is some of Dr. Flanagan's work...

Dear Little One,

 As I write this, I’m sitting in the makeup aisle of our local Target store. A friend recently texted me from a different makeup aisle and told me it felt like one of the most oppressive places in the world. I wanted to find out what he meant. And now that I’m sitting here, I’m beginning to agree with him. Words have power, and the words on display in this aisle have a deep power. Words and phrases like:

 Affordably gorgeous,
 Infallible,
 Flawless finish,
 Brilliant strength,
 Liquid power,
 Go nude,
 Age defying,
 Instant age rewind,
 Choose your dream,
 Nearly naked, and
 Natural beauty.

When you have a daughter you start to realize she’s just as strong as everyone else in the house—a force to be reckoned with, a soul on fire with the same life and gifts and passions as any man. But sitting in this store aisle, you also begin to realize most people won’t see her that way. They’ll see her as a pretty face and a body to enjoy. And they’ll tell her she has to look a certain way to have any worth or influence.

But words do have power and maybe, just maybe, the words of a father can begin to compete with the words of the world. Maybe a father’s words can deliver his daughter through this gauntlet of institutionalized shame and into a deep, unshakeable sense of her own worthiness and beauty.

A father’s words aren’t different words, but they are words with a radically different meaning:

Brilliant strength. May your strength be not in your fingernails but in your heart. May you discern in your center who you are, and then may you fearfully but tenaciously live it out in the world.

Choose your dream. But not from a department store shelf. Find the still-quiet place within you. A real dream has been planted there. Discover what you want to do in the world. And when you have chosen, may you faithfully pursue it, with integrity and with hope.

Naked. The world wants you to take your clothes off. Please keep them on. But take your gloves off. Pull no punches. Say what is in your heart. Be vulnerable. Embrace risk. Love a world that barely knows what it
means to love itself. Do so nakedly. Openly. With abandon.

Infallible. May you be constantly, infallibly aware that infallibility doesn’t exist. It’s an illusion created by people interested in your wallet. If you choose to seek perfection, may it be in an infallible grace—for yourself, and for everyone around you.

Age defying. Your skin will wrinkle and your youth will fade, but your soul is ageless. It will always know how to play and how to enjoy and how to revel in this one-chance life. May you always defiantly resist the aging of
your spirit.

Flawless finish. Your finish has nothing to do with how your face looks today and everything to do with how your life looks on your last day. May your years be a preparation for that day. May you be aged by grace, may you grow in wisdom, and may your love become big enough to embrace all people. May your flawless finish be a peaceful embrace of the end and the unknown that follows, and may it thus be a gift to everyone who
cherishes you.

Little One, you love everything pink and frilly and I will surely understand  if someday makeup is important to you. But I pray three words will remain more important to you—the last three words you say every night, when I ask the question: “Where are you the most beautiful?” Three words so bright no concealer can cover them.

 Where are you the most beautiful?

 On the inside.

 From my heart to yours,

 Daddy


——--—--


Like the last letter I wrote to my  daughter, I wrote this first for her and the day I’ll  eventually read it to her. But I also wrote it for every woman who needs to hear the words of a father. Women, no one else can define your beauty for you. But  they’ll try.

My daughter is four years-old now. If her awakening to the makeup aisle comes at the typical age, I figure we have about five years to radically alter the arc of history and the subjugation-by-image of
the female gender. We’ve got a lot of work to do. And it begins in the heart of each and every woman.

just talked to dad. they are home (and  have been for a few hours) and mom is doing her usual routine when she doesnt feel good - sleeping. i must have learned it from her, cuz thats what i do too. maybe thats just how we women in the family heal best? i dont have any statistics to back it up - i just know it works for us.

i told dad to unplug the phones and turn the volume on the answering machine down so she can continue to rest. what do you bet he doesnt listen to me? :)

please give mom a day or two to rest,  readjust, and get some of that anesthesia and morphine out of her system (shes still not all "there" just yet) before calling to check on her.

dinners are covered and i promise i wont let the two of them starve!!

sending wishes is more than enough. if you really feel compelled, send her a card with some uplifting words of encouragement, or post a comment. i will make sure she is read everyone while she is away from the keyboard.

THANKS!! and...as madre always closes...

GOD BLESS YOU ALL

I just talked to mom and dad (9:15) and they are both sounding good. Dad said mom mostly slept last night after I left and that she'd been up this morning and had even gone to the bathroom by herself. They are waiting on discharge paperwork to go home. Dr. B has been in this morning already and said that everything looks good. Mom will see both Dr. B and Dr. A on Monday for a re-check.

I intended on staying last night, but then dad said he was staying and mom kept telling me to go home - so I did.

Hard to see her in pain yesterday, but we knew it wasn't going to tickle. So glad today is better!

Thanks everyone for your phone calls, and thoughts, and concern, and prayers. It's hard to accurately describe how deeply those "thanks" are for you all - but they do run very deep, and it's humbling to see how many people will create the "circle of wagons" when my madre is in need. And what was mom's quote yesterday? "Dear God, help. Thanks. Wow." Yup, that pretty much sums it up.

Nina - thanks for coming down yesterday and staying :)

Until I know more later today....that's all folks!

jenna

just got home from the hospital about 20 minutes ago (its 10:55) and moms doing really well! she was still kind of groggy and sedated-ish when i first got there, but once she did some breathing treatments/exercises, ate some saltines and took a walk, she really perked up. she started being able to lift her arms more and more with each itch - you know, the kind that develops when you cant easily use your arms? i think they develop for a reason lol

anyway - shes doing really well. y'all can we-wax ;)

i going to bed. updates tomorrow!

we were told at 12:39 that mom was out of surgery and we were with her in the elevator at 1:39 to go to her room. its 2:32 now and the nurses have just left the room. initially mom said her pain was at about a 5, but she just told the nurse its a 2 or 3 - but did ask for some pain meds. shes still a bit groggy, but resting at the moment. shes not a whiner, so i dont expect to hear much than an occasional sigh and "sucking of wind" to indicate discomfort. im going to be heading home soon to take care of nightly duties and then plan on coming back down and staying with her overnight.

everyones been great so far - lets hope tonight they dont have to meet the dark side of aunt Thunder Cat!!

Its about 9:45 and mom was wheeled back to surgery about 20 minutes ago. When I got here she had already been to Nuclear Medicine for the dye injection, which she said ...hang on, dads talking to me...ok, mom said that the injection was a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10. The doctor or tech said its really painful for some women, even traumatizing. Thank goodness not for madre! (and sorry for all those women who it is terrible for).

Moms surgery was originally scheduled to begin at 9:30 and last til 1:30. So, we will expect to hear something around then or hopefully sooner.

There are buzzers going off like crazy - they give you one like at restaurants now. When your person is out of surgery, they just buzz ya. And in the waiting area is a screen like at the airport. Your person is assigned a number and you can check the screen to see where they are surgically (pre-op, post-op, pr somewhere inbetween). Its a full day of surgeries - the parking lot was full and lots of people waiting.

Just heard a code blue called in room 547, 5 East. That was creepy. Moms in an operating room, but still...Im gonna check the board.

Ill post info when I have it. If you're just tuning in, dont miss moms post from the butcrack-o-dawn. Good stuff!

Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes - please keep em coming!!

Dad just checked the board and shes still waiting - they havent begun yet (9:56).

Jenna

TIME IS PRECIOUS . . . WASTE IT WISELY.

                                                    Cherrybam.com

Tomorrow I need to get a small bag packed for my one, two, or three day stay at the hospital. Jenna asked me if I am getting worried about the surgery, but actually, I am not even thinking about it. I figure that it would just be a waste of precious energy, and no matter what, I am going through with this. So there is really no reason to get myself worked up about it.

Our lunch turned out to be even more fun when Jenna's Mike came along to help Alec represent the males at the table. Cate's friend, Kaitlin, was a real hoot and fun to talk to. Before we left my house, each Cate/Kate made me a really neat inspirational page to put in my cancer book that I carry. What a couple of nice kids.  My Abby was very quiet today, but I think she had a good time. NOTE: I was more than  a little shocked when I went to pay the bill for lunch, and found out that Mike had beat me to it! I did remind him that even though I may be old, I'm still wiry, and could whip him two out of three falls. Well . . . maybe. (He really is a very sweet man).

I was talking to Jen about her being with her dad at the hospital, while I'm in surgery. It reminded me of a time when I really wanted to be someplace, but MY bosses at the major discount store that I worked at, did not want to let me off. My friend Betty C's mother had passed away  and I planned to attend the services, plus Mother had asked me to take her and Nancy, a neighbor lady, to the funeral. I finally managed to get it okayed to take two hours off (how freakin' generous was that?). I remember I wore a black dress to work that day so I could dash out to the farm, grab Mother and Nancy and zoom to Central City for the funeral. As soon as it was over, I had to run the ladies home, and race back to Hiawatha to finish my work day. I'm sure that both ladies were disappointed that they didn't get to spend more time with the family and visiting with all their mutual friends who had attended.  I think back to that day, and realize how concerned I was about what the bosses who managed the store would think of me for missing a few more hours of work. I know now I should have pushed the issue (for crying out loud, I worked there for five years and never called in sick a single day!). It makes me feel  bad that I neglected to pay attention to the people who really mattered - Betty and her family, my own mother and our friend, Nancy. I guess I didn't realize at the time that  it was JUST a job, and sometimes you need to do what is right for the people who will be in your life long after some job is over and done with. That's what really matters. 

Jenna told me she could not believe how understanding the people she works for, are about this situation. They have been nothing but supportive. That really gives me peace of mind that it will be okay for her.

So, kids, one more day to get my house is order. Really, I need to get my house tidied-up and do those things  that I won't feel like dealing with in a few days. What gets done will be have to be enough. I don't think the "Clean House Inspector" will be stopping by, so who cares?  <:0

                                                                  GOD BLESS YOU ALL